Strengthen Your Marriage Today

A guide to knowing whether depth-oriented therapy for anxious-avoidant dynamics is the right path forward.

(This is part of a series on anxious-avoidant relationship patterns. For a comprehensive overview, see Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Patterns.)

Not every relationship needs therapy. Not every couple is ready for it. And not every therapeutic approach is the right fit for what you're facing.

If you're trying to decide whether couples therapy — specifically, depth-oriented work for anxious-avoidant dynamics — makes sense for your relationship, this article offers a framework for that decision.

It's not about selling you on therapy. It's about helping you assess whether this particular kind of work aligns with where you are, what you need, and whether both partners are genuinely invested in the process.

There are clear indicators that a relationship would benefit from professional support — especially if you recognize yourself in the anxious-avoidant dynamic.

Therapy makes sense if:

You keep having the same fight. Not variations of it. The exact same cycle — pursuit and withdrawal, escalation and shutdown, temporary repair followed by the same rupture. If this describes your relationship, see The Anxious-Avoidant Trap for why this pattern repeats despite awareness.

Communication tools haven't worked.You've read the books. You've tried the techniques. In calm moments, you can use them. But during actual conflict, the tools disappear. This isn't a failure on your part — it's a sign that the issue lives at a deeper layer than communication. See Why Communication Tools Don't Fix Attachment Wounds for why this happens.

One partner pursues, the other withdraws.The more one reaches for connection, the more the other needs space. The more one withdraws, the more the other escalates. Both partners feel misunderstood. Both are responding to attachment patterns formed long before this relationship began. For more on each side of this dynamic, see What Is Anxious Attachment? and What Is Avoidant Attachment?.

You love each other but can't seem to get out of your own way.The commitment is there. The care is there. What's missing is the capacity to stay regulated and present with each other when it matters most. This gap is what depth-oriented therapy addresses.

There's genuine investment from both partners.This is non-negotiable. Couples therapy only works when both people are willing to look at their own patterns, not just point at their partner's. If one person is dragging the other into therapy, or if one is already checked out, the timing isn't right.

Just as there are clear signs therapy would help, there are equally clear signs it won't — at least not yet.

Therapy is not the right fit if:

One partner isn't genuinely invested.If one person is only showing up to appease the other, or has already decided the relationship is over, therapy becomes performative. The work requires real engagement from both people.

There's active abuse or safety concerns.Couples therapy is not appropriate when there's ongoing physical violence, threats, or patterns of coercive control. Individual therapy and safety planning take priority.

You're looking for quick fixes.Depth-oriented work takes time — typically 9-18 months. If you need immediate crisis intervention or expect resolution in 6-8 sessions, this approach won't meet that expectation. For more on the timeline, see What To Expect In Depth-Oriented Couples Therapy.

One or both partners aren't willing to explore their own history.This work isn't just about the relationship. It's about understanding what each person brought into it — the attachment injuries, the protective strategies, the unconscious patterns formed in earlier relationships. If exploring that feels off-limits, the work can't go deep enough to shift the cycle.

You're in an acute crisis requiring immediate stabilization.If the relationship is in active crisis — recent infidelity, severe psychiatric symptoms, substance abuse requiring treatment — those issues need to be addressed before couples work can be effective.

Not all couples therapy approaches are equally effective for anxious-avoidant patterns. Surface-level, skills-based therapy often misses the mark because it doesn't address the nervous system responses and attachment injuries driving the cycle.

Depth-oriented therapy is specifically designed for:

Couples stuck in pursuer-distancer cycles where one partner's need for closeness triggers the other's need for space, and vice versa.

Relationships where both partners recognize their patterns intellectually but can't interrupt them in real time — because the cycle operates faster than conscious thought.

Couples who have tried communication-based therapy and found the tools inaccessible during actual conflict. (See Why Communication Tools Don't Work for why this is common.)

Partners willing to work at the level of nervous system regulation, protective strategies, and unconscious relational patterns — not just surface behaviors.

Keri Signoracci's practice in Boulder integrates PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic therapy, and psychoanalytic approaches specifically to address these deeper layers. This isn't generic couples counseling. It's specialized work for attachment-based relationship patterns.

If you're still uncertain whether this work is right for you, these questions can help clarify:

Are both of us genuinely willing to do this?Not just willing to show up, but willing to look at our own patterns, tolerate discomfort, and stay engaged even when it's hard.

Can we commit to 9-18 months of work?Meaningful change in attachment patterns doesn't happen quickly. If you're looking for a shorter intervention, be honest about that expectation.

Are we both safe with each other?Is there physical safety? Emotional safety enough to be vulnerable? If the answer is no, individual therapy or safety planning should come first.

Do we recognize ourselves in the anxious-avoidant dynamic?If the pursuer-distancer pattern doesn't resonate, or if the primary issue is something else (infidelity, parenting conflict, external stressors), a different therapeutic approach might be more appropriate.

Are we willing to explore what we each brought into this relationship?The work isn't only about "us." It's about understanding your own attachment history, protective strategies, and nervous system patterns. If that feels like too much exposure, therapy will hit a ceiling.

Uncertainty about whether therapy is right doesn't mean you shouldn't try. It means the consultation matters.

A 20-minute consultation with Keri Signoracci can help assess:

• Whether the anxious-avoidant dynamic is the primary issue
• Whether both partners are genuinely invested
• Whether the depth-oriented approach aligns with what you need
• Whether the timeline and commitment level feel realistic

This isn't a sales conversation. It's an assessment — for both you and the therapist — about fit.

Not every couple is appropriate for this work. And that's okay. If it's not the right fit, you'll know that early. If it is, you'll have clarity about what you're committing to.

How do we know if we should try therapy or just end the relationship?

If there's still genuine love, commitment, and investment from both partners — and if the primary issue is the anxious-avoidant cycle rather than fundamental incompatibility — therapy can create real transformation. But if one or both partners are already emotionally done, therapy won't revive what's already ended. The consultation can help clarify which situation you're in.

What if only one of us thinks we need therapy?

That's common in anxious-avoidant dynamics — often the anxious partner pushes for therapy while the avoidant partner resists. If the resistant partner is willing to try despite skepticism, that's workable. If they're fundamentally unwilling, the work can't proceed. Sometimes individual therapy for the pursuing partner helps clarify next steps.

Is it ever too late for couples therapy?

If both partners are genuinely invested and the relationship is still emotionally alive — even if barely — it's not too late. But if one person is already done, no amount of therapy will change that. The work requires two people who want to be there.

What if we've tried couples therapy before and it made things worse?

That happens when the approach wasn't the right fit, when the therapist took sides, or when the work stayed at the surface level without addressing the underlying attachment patterns. Depth-oriented therapy works at a different layer. Previous bad experiences don't predict future ones if the approach is fundamentally different.

Can we do therapy if we're separated or thinking about separating?

Yes. Some couples enter therapy uncertain about the future of the relationship. The work can help clarify whether staying together is sustainable — and if it's not, it can support a more conscious, less damaging separation. Not every couple that does this work stays together, but those who separate do so with more clarity.

What if our problems don't seem serious enough for therapy?

Couples therapy isn't only for relationships in crisis. If you're stuck in a repetitive pattern that's eroding connection, if communication keeps breaking down despite effort, or if you want to strengthen the relationship before problems become entrenched — those are all valid reasons to seek support.

How much does it cost and does insurance cover it?

Sessions are $275 for 50 minutes. Insurance is not accepted, but superbills can be provided for out-of-network reimbursement if your plan covers it. Most couples attend weekly or bi-weekly, which means a monthly investment of $1,100-$2,200. This is a significant commitment, and it's worth considering whether that's sustainable for 9-18 months.

Deciding whether to pursue couples therapy — especially long-term, depth-oriented work — is not a casual choice. It's a serious investment of time, money, and emotional energy.

The question isn't whether your relationship is "bad enough" to warrant therapy. It's whether:

• Both of you are genuinely willing to do the work
• The anxious-avoidant pattern is preventing the connection you both want
• You're prepared for the timeline and commitment this requires
• You're open to exploring not just the relationship, but your own patterns

If the answer to those questions is yes, depth-oriented couples therapy offers a pathway out of cycles that feel permanent.

For a full overview of anxious-avoidant dynamics and how this work addresses them, see Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Patterns.

Keri Signoracci, LPCC offers a free 20-minute consultation to assess whether depth-oriented couples therapy is the right fit for your relationship.

The consultation explores:

• Whether anxious-avoidant dynamics are the primary issue
• Whether both partners are genuinely invested
• Whether the approach and timeline align with what you need

This isn't a sales conversation. It's an honest assessment of fit.

Text: (303) 641-1514 Or book online: calendly.com/ksignoracci

Serving couples in Boulder, Louisville, Lafayette, Longmont, and throughout Boulder County, Colorado.

About the Author

Keri Signoracci, MA, LPCC is a professional counselor in Boulder, Colorado. She holds advanced training in PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic therapy, and psychoanalytic approaches to couples work. Her practice, Coupling From the Core, specializes in depth-oriented therapy for anxious-avoidant dynamics, pursuer-distancer patterns, and attachment injuries in long-term relationships. She sees couples in Boulder, Louisville, Lafayette, Longmont, and throughout Boulder County.