Marriage Counseling Services

You love each other. You're committed. But the same dynamic keeps repeating.

One of you reaches for connection—asking questions, seeking reassurance, wanting to talk things through. The other pulls back—needing space, shutting down, withdrawing into silence or work or distraction.

The more one pursues, the more the other distances. The more one distances, the more the other pursues.

It's not a communication problem. You've tried the tools. You've read the books. You know you're supposed to use "I statements" and "active listening."

But when the pattern gets triggered, none of that matters.

What you're experiencing isn't about what you're saying to each other. It's about the unconscious forces driving the need to say it—or the need to retreat from it entirely.

These are anxious-avoidant attachment patterns. And understanding them requires going beneath the surface of conflict into the hidden psychology of how love defends itself.

If you're in this pattern, you recognize these moments:

The pursuer (anxious attachment) experiences:

• A constant need for reassurance that the relationship is okay
• Heightened sensitivity to perceived distance or disconnection
• Escalation when needs for closeness aren't met
• A feeling of abandonment when the partner withdraws
• Difficulty self-soothing when the partner isn't available

The distancer (avoidant attachment) experiences:

• A need for autonomy and space to regulate
• Feeling suffocated or pressured by requests for closeness
• Shutting down when conflict or emotion intensifies
• A sense of losing themselves when too much closeness is demanded
• Difficulty staying present during emotional conversations

Neither strategy is pathological. Both are protective.

And both were learned early—long before this relationship began.

Every relationship operates on unconscious agreements formed outside of conscious awareness. These agreements aren't negotiated. They're enacted.

In anxious-avoidant relationships, the unconscious contract often looks like this:

The anxious partner's unconscious agreement: "I will pursue connection at all costs because closeness equals safety. If you pull away, I must escalate to bring you back, or I'll be abandoned."

The avoidant partner's unconscious agreement: "I will maintain autonomy and regulate alone because dependency feels dangerous. If you come too close, I must withdraw to protect myself from being consumed."

Neither partner chose this contract. Both are following survival strategies formed in early relationships where closeness was unreliable, intrusive, or inconsistent.

The anxious partner learned that love required protest—that they had to escalate to get needs met.

The avoidant partner learned that love required distance—that closeness meant losing themselves or being overwhelmed.

These aren't conscious decisions. They're nervous system responses shaped by attachment injuries that predate the current relationship.

When we look at anxious-avoidant dynamics through a nervous system lens, the pattern becomes clearer.

Protest (anxious strategy):

When the anxious partner perceives distance or disconnection, their nervous system interprets this as a threat. The response is protest—an escalation designed to re-establish connection and safety.

Protest can look like:

• Repeated questions or requests for reassurance
• Emotional intensity or anger
• Criticism or pursuit
• Attempts to engage or "fix" the conflict immediately

This isn't manipulation. It's a nervous system response to perceived abandonment.

Shutdown (avoidant strategy):

When the avoidant partner perceives intensity, closeness, or emotional demand, their nervous system interprets this as overwhelm. The response is shutdown—a withdrawal designed to protect autonomy and prevent engulfment.

Shutdown can look like:

• Silence or minimal responses
• Leaving the room or changing the subject
• Emotional numbing or dissociation
• Prioritizing work, hobbies, or other activities over connection

This isn't coldness. It's a nervous system response to perceived loss of self.

The cycle:

Protest triggers shutdown. Shutdown triggers more protest. The harder one partner tries to connect, the more the other needs to retreat. The more one retreats, the more the other escalates.

Both partners are trying to survive. Neither is trying to hurt the other.

But without awareness of the underlying forces, the cycle reinforces itself.

Most couples therapy focuses on improving communication. You're taught to use "I feel" statements, to listen without interrupting, to validate each other's perspectives.

These tools can be helpful. But for anxious-avoidant dynamics, they rarely address the root issue.

Here's why:

The problem isn't what you're saying. It's what's driving the need to say it—or to avoid saying it.

When an anxious partner asks for reassurance, they're not really asking a question. They're trying to regulate a nervous system state that feels like abandonment.

When an avoidant partner withdraws, they're not refusing to communicate. They're trying to manage a nervous system state that feels like engulfment.

Communication tools assume both partners are operating from a regulated, reflective state. But in anxious-avoidant cycles, both are often operating from a protective, survival-based state.

What's needed isn't better scripts. It's an understanding of the unconscious contracts, attachment injuries, and defensive strategies beneath the words.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, anxious and avoidant behaviors aren't personality traits. They're protective strategies enacted by parts of the self that formed in response to early relational experiences.

The anxious part:

This part learned that closeness is unpredictable. It developed a strategy of vigilance and pursuit to prevent abandonment. Its job is to keep the relationship secure by monitoring for threats and escalating when connection feels at risk.

This part isn't needy. It's protective. It believes that without constant vigilance, love will disappear.

The avoidant part:

This part learned that closeness comes with a cost—loss of autonomy, intrusion, or emotional overwhelm. It developed a strategy of withdrawal and self-sufficiency to prevent engulfment. Its job is to protect the self by maintaining distance and regulating alone.

This part isn't cold. It's protective. It believes that without boundaries and space, the self will be consumed.

Both parts are doing their jobs.

The work isn't to eliminate these parts. It's to help both partners understand them—to see the protective strategies as adaptive responses to early experiences, not character flaws.

When couples can recognize these parts in real time, something shifts. Instead of reacting to each other's behaviors, they can respond to the underlying fear driving them.

Traditional couples therapy often focuses on conflict resolution and communication skills. Depth-oriented therapy works differently.

This approach integrates:

Nervous system awareness: Tracking regulation, shutdown, and protest in real time. Learning to recognize when the nervous system is activated and how to co-regulate instead of escalating or withdrawing.

Parts work (IFS): Understanding the protective strategies driving anxious and avoidant behaviors. Developing compassion for these parts instead of judging or blaming them.

Psychoanalytic depth: Exploring the unconscious contracts, attachment injuries, and defenses formed in early relationships. Understanding how past relational experiences shape present dynamics.

Somatic awareness: Working with the body's signals—tension, numbness, activation—to understand what's happening beneath the words.

The goal isn't to teach you how to fight better. It's to help you understand the psychological forces beneath the fight—so you can respond with awareness instead of reacting from protection.

Healing anxious-avoidant dynamics doesn't mean eliminating the patterns entirely. It means developing the capacity to recognize them in real time and respond differently.

What shifts over time:

Pattern recognition: Couples begin to see the protest-shutdown cycle as it's happening instead of being trapped inside it. They can name it: "I'm in protest right now" or "I'm shutting down."

Nervous system regulation: Both partners develop the ability to regulate their own nervous systems instead of relying solely on each other for co-regulation. This doesn't mean disconnecting—it means having more capacity to stay present during conflict.

Compassion for protective strategies: Instead of blaming each other for pursuing or withdrawing, couples develop understanding for the fears driving these behaviors. The anxious partner isn't "clingy." The avoidant partner isn't "cold." Both are protecting against old wounds.

Faster repair: Conflict doesn't disappear, but it becomes slower and less reactive. Ruptures happen, but repair happens faster. The time between trigger and reconnection shortens.

More flexible strategies: Protective parts become less automatic and more flexible. The anxious partner can tolerate space without escalating. The avoidant partner can tolerate closeness without shutting down.

This work doesn't create a "perfect" relationship. It creates a relationship where both partners understand the unconscious forces shaping their dynamic—and can work with them instead of being controlled by them.

This isn't short-term work. Surface-level therapy can be brief. Depth work cannot.

Most couples engaging in this process stay in therapy for 9–18 months, meeting weekly or bi-weekly. Meaningful change requires repetition, safety, and time—not quick fixes.

In sessions, we:

• Track nervous system states in real time (when you're activated, regulated, shut down, or in protest)
• Explore the unconscious contracts and attachment injuries shaping your dynamic
• Work with the protective parts driving anxious and avoidant strategies
• Build capacity for co-regulation and repair
• Understand the defenses formed in early relationships and how they show up now
• 
  

What this work requires:

• Willingness to explore your own emotional history and patterns
• Commitment from both partners to the process
• Patience with the pace of change
• Openness to understanding protective strategies instead of eliminating them

This approach is rooted in attachment theory, psychoanalytic thinking, nervous system regulation, and parts work (IFS). It's not manualized or rigid—it's responsive to what's alive in the room between you.

This work is a good fit if:

• You're stuck in a pursuer-distancer dynamic and want to understand why it keeps happening
• You're willing to explore the unconscious forces and early experiences shaping your patterns
• You want depth work, not just communication tools
• Both partners are genuinely invested in the process
• You're prepared for long-term therapy (9–18 months), not a handful of sessions

This work is not a good fit if:

• You're looking for quick fixes or expect resolution in 6–8 sessions
• You're in an acute crisis requiring immediate stabilization services
• One or both partners aren't willing to explore emotional history or patterns
• One partner isn't genuinely invested in the relationship or the therapeutic process

Depth-oriented couples therapy isn't for everyone. But for couples ready to move beyond the surface and work with the hidden psychology beneath their patterns, it offers a path toward real transformation.

Q: Can these patterns actually change, or are they just part of who we are?

Attachment patterns are adaptive strategies, not fixed personality traits. They can become more flexible with awareness and practice. The goal isn't to become "perfectly secure"—it's to develop the capacity to recognize your patterns and respond differently.

Q: Is one partner to blame for the dynamic?

No. Both anxious and avoidant strategies are protective responses to early relational experiences. Neither partner is "the problem." The dynamic itself is the issue, and both partners contribute to it.

Q: What if only one of us is anxious or avoidant?

Anxious-avoidant dynamics are relational, not individual. Even if one partner identifies more strongly with one strategy, both are participating in the cycle. The work is about understanding how your strategies interact, not about fixing one person.

Q: Will therapy teach us how to communicate better?

Communication skills may be part of the work, but they're not the focus. The focus is on understanding the unconscious forces, nervous system states, and protective strategies driving the need to communicate—or to withdraw from communication.

Q: How long does this work take?

Most couples stay in therapy for 9–18 months. Depth work requires time for patterns to surface, be understood, and shift. Quick fixes don't address the underlying architecture of the dynamic.

Q: What happens if we realize the relationship isn't right for us?

Sometimes the work reveals that the relationship isn't sustainable. If that becomes clear, therapy can support you in navigating that decision with clarity and compassion—whether that means separation, co-parenting, or consciously uncoupling.

If you're a couple in the Boulder area navigating pursuer-distancer dynamics, this work offers a way to move beyond the cycle and into deeper understanding.

This isn't about learning to fight better or mastering communication tools. It's about understanding the unconscious contracts, attachment injuries, and protective strategies shaping your relationship—and developing the capacity to respond with awareness instead of reacting from defense.

Depth-oriented couples therapy is available for couples in Boulder, Louisville, Lafayette, Longmont, and surrounding areas in Boulder County.

Sessions are 50 minutes and are offered both in-person at my Boulder office (3015 47th St, Suite E3) and via secure video for clients throughout Colorado.

If you're exhausted by the protest-shutdown cycle and ready to understand the hidden forces beneath it, I offer a free 20-minute consultation to explore whether this depth-oriented approach is the right fit for your relationship.

This consultation is for assessing alignment, not for processing active conflict.

Schedule your free consultation:

Text: (303) 641-1514
Or book online: calendly.com/ksignoracci

Keri Signoracci, MA, LPCC is a couples therapist specializing in anxious-avoidant attachment dynamics and depth-oriented relational work. With extensive training in PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic therapy, and psychoanalytic approaches, Keri works with couples navigating high-conflict patterns, attachment injuries, and relationship trauma.

She has been practicing couples therapy in Boulder, Colorado since 2024, helping couples move beyond surface-level communication tools to address the unconscious forces shaping their relationships. Keri also offers ketamine-assisted psychotherapy for couples and individuals seeking deeper transformation.

Her work integrates attachment theory, nervous system regulation, and parts work to help couples understand and heal pursuer-distancer dynamics rooted in early relational experiences.

Related Articles:

For a deeper understanding of anxious-avoidant relationship patterns, explore these related topics:

• What Is Anxious Attachment? - Understanding the psychology behind pursuit and protest behaviors
• What Is Avoidant Attachment? - The protective strategy of withdrawal and shutdown
• The Anxious-Avoidant Trap - Why you keep repeating the same dynamic
• Why Communication Tools Don't Work - Understanding why skills alone don't fix attachment wounds
• What To Expect In Depth-Oriented Couples Therapy - The process, timeline, and what actually changes
• Is Couples Therapy Right For Your Relationship? - Deciding whether this approach is the right fit